As Is.

Sometimes, I feel like I am going bonkers.

It is like I have no idea what is happening to myself anymore. It feels like I am lost, yet someone was quick enough to point out that I am sober/awake enough to notice that I am actually lost. I know that I have no sense of direction in terms of life management, career and future, and probably have been like this ever since. It seems like almost every other person has a clear vision of what they wanna do with their lives, whereas I, had thought about it and yet no result was generated from the brainstorming sessions. Sometimes, I wonder how old my body really is, cause I get so easily tired out and often catch myself yawning away within short minutes, with the tears forming up in my eyes. Probably 89? 104? Sheesh, afterall, I could and might be the first person to think about death in my teenage years. My classic comment about Louis Vuitton, “as though they can bring it into their coffins” still is there in my mind but it seems like I have lost myself in this society already. I would have been classified as a geek in schooling times. I guess I have always wanted to prove others wrong, to seek revenge in a manner, to prove that I can do what “cool” people do, and I got myself furthermore lost in the forest. I feel the imperfection pinches almost at every other times, I feel fat; I feel poor; I feel ugly; I feel like I am a sucker, loser, nobody, everything bad. I feel frustrated with myself for being who I am and not who I think I can be.

I pity the people around me, my nieces, family – they are the ones that truly suffer my quirkiness. Sorry, blame it on me, really. It could be a passing phase.


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