Burnt Bridges

These days seem more emotional again – it feels like a cycle. I tried to look and feel positive about myself, life and everything around me, but there’s this part of my head and myself that chews hard.

R – yes, you are on my mind.

Was in the midst of shower when I thought of the people that had came and are no longer a current part of my life. It’s not that I’m bad, but we just ended so. Below:

S: She was a good friend in secondary school. Regardless of her brother being reputable in the events industry and her family well to be, we enjoyed her for her English and quirky ways. And her mad love for the then-Coldplay, A Rush Of The Blood To The Head. She changed. We all do, but even though it can be boring with old friends, life’s got that part one has to do with, somehow. I changed my number and didn’t inform her. We used to hang out in airports eating chocolate and playing cards, with visions of camping overnight for the love of the place of transit, passing strangers gathered together, and perhaps a hidden desire for travel and hopes for escapism. Even though I always say I don’t want to see her, and roll my eyes big times like a motherfucking bitch, truth is, I hope she is doing fine, and one day, we can cross paths again, and talk again without all the pretense in the world. And I did see her at Laneway last, but it was awkward that I was alone in an otherwise hippy event.

M: He was my first crush. We were good friends, maybe best of, but nothing occurred. I remembered an afternoon where I comfortably dozed off on his mattress bed on the floor, and it felt like one of the most natural and comfortable sleep I had ever have in my entire life (I could be exaggerating here, but it was how I felt). Maybe it was from the exhaustion of the afternoon, and how air-conditioning was a privilege back then. Feelings grew, friendship was at stake. I could be seen as the heartless bastard that didn’t friend him after he was switched to the normal stream, but truth was, feelings grew. It was not friendship, it felt like more than that. Hope he still enjoys basketball sessions, and not get into his girl troubles and blues.

R: The first proper relationship, even though it was only for three months. I wrote a long goddamn message that I shouldn’t have, revealing more than I should have, but at least I see myself at being honest about it. Feelings were growing, my freakiness were leaking, my boringness empowering. I heard a song a while ago about “love setting oneself free”, but I think I trapped the person. What can I say – it was my first, and my mistakes were made. Definitely someone I would look back and think about, as he taught me about life and passion (in finding yourself). Never seen someone quite like this soul, bright and clever – I guess it was a pity on my part. I see success in his path and on his plate, and I really wish him all the best, whatever he does that I know for sure that he will be liking what he is doing. If I could amend, I would live, and not let lived. Embrace the world more, and for Christ’s sake, save the money for travelling instead of spending on stupid items to make me feel more secured about myself.

I will go back to music soon, I promise. I just thought this generally quiet person needs a place for his lost voice, if words can replace noise/voice.

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